Jim Morazzini
Despite the poster paintings Snake Hotel will not be an Asylum movie or one other Chinese kaiju movie. In truth, you may just about disregard the poster totally as a result of whereas there are large snakes, they’re nonetheless sufficiently small to slot in an English Manor, the identical one which Dinosaur Hotel was filmed in if I’m not mistaken. And, as you’ll quickly see, that’s not the one similarity between the 2 movies.
Mia (Kelly Rian Sanson, The Killing Tree, Dinosaur Hotel 2), her sister Linda (Natasha Tosini, Three Blind Mice, Darker Shades of Summer) and Faye (Danielle Scott, Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey, Looks Can Kill) are all within the warden’s workplace at a scumhole jail someplace in England. Mia and Linda are doing life for murdering their abusive stepfather, Faye is simply an all-around psycho who has Mia on her hit checklist for some purpose.
Warden Donny (Jase Rivers, Unhinged Retribution, Freddy’s Fridays) is sick of the three of them so when Miss Fang (Chrissie Wunna, Nutcracker Massacre, The Elevator) affords to purchase a number of of his inmates, he’s very happy to see them go.
What does Miss Fang need the ladies for? No, it’s not intercourse trafficking, that may imply nudity and this movie didn’t have the funds for that. She has a mansion filled with large, hungry snakes who wish to play with their meals. Any of them that survive the evening will get their freedom, those who don’t have the data they died serving to to develop the right killing machine.
Director Charles Solly (Manhunt) co-wrote Snake Hotel with James Solly and Harry Boxley (Mary Had a Little Lamb, Vikings: Blood Lust) however contemplating how constantly the ladies are known as bitches, whores, and cunts it could even have been authored by Andrew Tate. I don’t know if that is real misogyny, an inexpensive approach to get us to hate the villains, or an try at humour, IMDB truly lists Snake Hotel as a comedy, but it surely’s distinctly off-putting.
Since results cost money, a lot of Snake Hotel is definitely snake free, with the characters working round dimly lit halls and paasageways below the home attempting to keep away from the serpents and Faye. In order so as to add a bit extra of a menace to throw into these scenes, the filmmakers dusted off the android costume from Prototype and used it as Miss Fang’s henchman.
Unfortunately, it tends to be extra comedian aid than creepy, regardless of its look and capabilities. While I simply complained in regards to the dialogue, the one time it truly is amusing is when the robotic is stiffly walking round, gun in hand, “God…damn…whores. I…hate…whores”. It’s too absurd to not snigger at.
The similar might be stated of Miss Fang herself. She’s performed by a Burmese/British actress and it’s apparent they had been attempting to make the character the type of Asian femme fatale that was once known as a Dragon Lady. But for all her throaty whispering and gesturing round with a driving crop she fails to come back throughout as both threatening or alluring.
The CGI for the snakes, whereas not the worst I’ve seen in considered one of Scott Jeffrey’s movies isn’t superb both. They additionally, for causes unknown, made one of many creatures a coral snake, which appears like vibrant worms relatively than something scary. Why not a rattlesnake or python as a substitute of an outsized gummi worm?
What is horrifying is simply what an utter pile of shit Snake Hotel is. They took the large reptiles looking ladies concept in addition to the setting and most of the solid members from the 2 Dinosaur Hotel movies and added dialogue that sounds prefer it was written by a workforce of incels. If you’ve seen these movies you don’t must see Snake Hotel. Even if you happen to haven’t seen them you don’t must see Snake Hotel.
Snake Hotel is available on Tubi. And for individuals who stay the place it’s unavailable, distributor ITN has made it available on their YouTube Channel. If you’re feeling notably masochistic I’ve embedded it beneath the trailer.
