Princeton’s Board of Trustees voted on Thursday to divest the University’s endowment from dogfighting, copyright violation, and numerous prohibited businesses.
This statement shocked the Princeton neighborhood, who were uninformed that one-fifth of the University’s endowment was greatly bought criminal business such as art theft, wildlife poaching, and Medicare scams.
“When Public Safety warned us about securing our scooters, I think they should have disclosed that they were the ones trading our them for cash,” said Emily Durrand ’24.
Others, nevertheless, were worried about how this divestment would impact the University’s $35.8 billion endowment, which lost $1.9 billion because in 2015. “Yeah, Princeton may be stealing valuable Renaissance-era pieces” said Annabelle Howard ‘26, “but, at least it’s paying for Lawnparties.”
According to eyewitnesses, Andy Erickson, Managing Director of the Princeton University Investment Company consulted with Phil Leotardo, employer of the Lupertazzi criminal offense family, at Bada Bing strip club in Lodi to break the news of the divestment.
In a declaration launched on Tuesday, Erickson revealed that the University will deliver its monopoly over criminal business in Mercer County to a trustworthy consortium of numerous criminal offense households. However, the University specified that it will keep ownership of Bada Bing strip club chain.
Sam McComb is an associate humor editor and second-year politics significant. He’s been turned down from every acapella group on school, consisting of the one he co-founded.
