SEATTLE—Sitting up with a terrified gasp as the conclusion shook her from her sleep, native lady Sarah Ostrowski reportedly awakened in a chilly sweat Friday fearful that her cat didn’t understand how cute he was. “Oh my dear God, what if Winston is out there alone in the kitchen and no one remembered to tell him that he’s an adorable little snuggle-muffin who needs all the cuddles in the world?” stated Ostrowski, who started audibly hyperventilating and rocking forwards and backwards in mattress as she was overcome with the sudden concern that her 7-year-old tabby had not been reminded not too long ago that he was a petite feline gentleman who beloved to eat his salmon num-nums. “I knew I shouldn’t have dismissed that horrible nightmare where my furry sweetums keeps running away before I can snatch his paws up in my hands and make him do a little dance. This is what I deserve for neglecting him. That’s it—I’m getting out of bed, and I won’t go back to sleep until I rub my face against his and give him all the kisses he deserves. Kitty? Kitty, where are you?” At press time, after being found within the kitchen, the cat reportedly comforted a beleaguered Ostrowski, talking in a relaxing feline voice as he insisted that he understood that he was lovable and he or she was merely out of her fucking thoughts.
