SCENE ON THE SUBWAY
New York State Gov. Kathy Hochul was seen studying a e-book whereas taking the B Train from Westhampton Beach to Quogue on Wednesday. Oprah Winfrey purchased a replica of The New York Times on the newsstand on the Amagansett platform on Saturday. Also on Saturday, Daniel and Stephen Baldwin, Mercedes Ruehl and Quogue billionaire John Catsimatidis have been seen driving the subway.
A GIFT TO OUR RIDERS
The variety of folks driving the Hamptons Subway this previous week was 5% decrease than the identical interval a 12 months in the past. As a consequence, we employed the Barton Business Analysis Company (BBAC) of Patchogue to make a research of this, and so they have give you a number of completely different causes for the decline. One is that there’s a regular drop-off within the ridership within the winter. Another is that a lot of the promotions achieved by the subway system have been disappointments for one purpose or one other. And so, to stimulate business, we’ve determined to provide away one thing free to our riders this coming week. During the following seven days — till subsequent Friday — each rider on the subway will probably be given an 11-pound clear Plexiglas paperweight that has the inscription “Esteemed Hamptons Subway Rider” on it. They will probably be given out by interns to everybody who passes via the turnstiles.
DOGGONE SUCCESS
On February 1, a particular automobile behind the prepare was added to accommodate dogs. Dog homeowners let their dogs unfastened to board the prepare on this automobile when it arrives at their station, then take away them when the prepare arrives at their vacation spot. The venture has been so profitable that cat homeowners at the moment are demanding the identical for his or her pets. And so, starting February 15, there will probably be an extra addition to each subway prepare. Behind the canine automobile will probably be a cat automobile, into which homeowners can throw their cats the identical means canine homeowners throw their dogs. Furthermore, as a substitute of the 20-second delay for canine homeowners to do their factor, there’ll now be an extra delay of 10 seconds for the cat homeowners. Meow.
PLAN TO GET RID OF THE OIL
A New York entrepreneur named Bill Haleknecht has approached our esteemed commissioner with a plan to do away with the half-billion barrels of oil which have flooded the underwater subway tunnel underneath building that was alleged to hyperlink our Sag Harbor station with a brand new one constructed at Foxwoods Resort Casino in Connecticut. He envisions utilizing a kind of sump pump affair to suck the oil out of the tunnel and into barrels he’ll retailer on property he owns in North Haven on the bay. Freighters will take the barrels away. He says that with a pump, he might suck out a number of million barrels a day, which might be sufficient to decrease the extent of the oil within the tunnel to some extent the place building to Foxwoods might begin once more. There can be no cost to the Hamptons Subway, and the newfound oil might be offered to fossil gas automobile homeowners. It is an intriguing thought and the commissioner says he needs to consider it.
SUITCASE STILL LOST
The suitcase stuffed with a quarter-million {dollars} in thousand-dollar payments {that a} man mentioned two weeks in the past was by accident left on a seat on the Southampton to Water Mill run continues to be lacking. Anyone discovering it please name Marlon Tungsten at Goldman Sachs in New York City. There will probably be no questions requested.
SAFETY TIPS FOR RIDERS
As a results of the oil catastrophe that’s now filling the aforementioned Hamptons Subway tunnel building in Long Island Sound, the Suffolk County Board of Health has required us to situation the next security bulletin to riders ought to they see oil on the tracks.
If you see oil on the tracks out the window, inform a conductor or pull the emergency wire to get the prepare to cease. After it does, shut and safe all home windows in your subway automobile. Above the sunshine fixture within the middle of all subway vehicles there’s a roof hatch which you’ll be able to open by twisting a lever clockwise. Open it and climb out onto the roof of the subway automobile. Grasp the arms of the person in entrance of you and behind you and creep slowly in both path, conserving your head down in order to not contact the high-voltage wires on the underside of the tunnel ceiling, till you come to a metal ladder. Steel ladders are excessive up on the partitions on both sides of the tunnel at quarter-mile intervals. Climb up the ladder and on the high unlatch the hook on the underside of the ceiling simply above you. Push open the iron trapdoor, get out and you will discover your self on any person’s garden. From there, search additional assist.
COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
In a matter very troubling to me, an audit by the state revenue tax authority this week has uncovered some monetary hanky-panky occurring within the Hamptons Subway accounts books, which reveals big monetary losses for Hamptons Subway within the 2023 12 months. As a consequence, we should take some unpopular measures. This week, we’re shedding 842 folks, simply over half of our employees. We are interesting to riders to volunteer for these posts so we don’t have to put off any extra folks. We are significantly inquisitive about discovering individuals who have the talents to drive subway trains. Our motormen have been probably the most extremely paid of our workers and so they’re the primary to go.
You ought to know that I’m personally going to prepared the ground in these layoffs. I’m going to signal every one of many 842 pink slips myself, and never solely signal them however write a heat private notice and, if potential, shed a tear. All these folks, we all know, will certainly be missed by the few remainder of us who stay.
As for my seven-figure wage, if it weren’t for the truth that the subway system can not probably get alongside with out me, I’d be laying myself off too, chances are you’ll make sure. As it’s, I’ve requested myself and have agreed to take a 3% across-the-board minimize. We all should do our half.
