Readers Respond
Last week’s query was from a reader whose girlfriend expressed her love, however these emotions weren’t absolutely reciprocated. They wrote: “I’ve been dating my girlfriend for more than six months now, and we’ve been going along really well ever since we first met. Time together is always of quality, and I care a lot about her. A few weeks ago, she told me for the first time that she loved me. Although her words meant a lot to me, it led me to believe that I wasn’t sure I actually loved her — though I care deeply about our relationship. Is it wrong to say ‘I love you’ if I am not sure I’m actually in love? I’m afraid this could lead us to end our relationship otherwise.”
In his response, the Ethicist famous: “I’d suggest that you try speaking to her — opening yourself up to her — with a full heart. As your copine surely knows, people in a couple who come to love each other don’t necessarily do so simultaneously. It sounds as if she’s willing to give you time and space to develop your feelings at your own pace. And an honest conversation is how the deeper ethical work of love happens — the work of seeing, honoring and caring.
But if she has a vision of a shared future that doesn’t resonate with you — if you consider the relationship comfortable but not necessarily for keeps? In that case, exaggerating your feelings in order to preserve the status quo would amount to ‘breadcrumbing’: leading her on, and preventing her from moving along with her life. The prototype breadcrumber is the manipulative cad who just wants to keep all options open on a Friday night. More typical breadcrumbers, I suspect, are driven not by cynicism but by uncertainty, and by a desire to avoid conflict. They may tell themselves that they’re being kind as they postpone a reckoning.” (Reread the complete query and reply here.)
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If I had lied, and stated I beloved her when it wasn’t true, I’d have felt responsible concerning the lie, and resented her for placing me in a scenario the place I felt pressured to lie. It may nicely have tousled the connection badly sufficient that I’d not have been in a position, a number of months later, to say “I love you” and imply it. And marry her, the love of my life. Not saying that selecting the trail of honesty couldn’t have gone very badly, however for me it went very, very nicely. — Ed
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Regarding the shock “I love you” declaration, I’ve been on each side of this equation, so I can empathize — particularly as I usually are usually the one doing the declaring! As the recipient, nevertheless, I believe you possibly can provoke a form and mild dialogue, acknowledge the significance of the said emotions, say you’re feeling very affectionate/comfy in her firm or no matter is true, however above all keep trustworthy and don’t say the L-word except you imply it. And please keep away from mealy-mouthed phrases like “I love you but not in that way,” as that is no consolation to the recipient. A heartfelt thanks, an acknowledgment of the sentiments (“It means a lot to me”) and an emphasis on the nice emotions you might have towards her with out elevating false hope is, I believe, the kindest and most moral route. Tricky to navigate and the dialog may go in lots of instructions — however love is like this, and you’ll each profit from negotiating this with tact and care. — Sheena
