In the spirit of Capt. Andrew Luck, our personal “Armchair General” Puck Swami has written a flowery “Civil War”-style letter to his spouse about final weekend’s DU hockey sweep of rival Colorado College. We invite you to click on and play “Ashokan Farewell’ as background music and browse the letter aloud in the perfect Ken Burns-narrator voice you’ll be able to muster. You can almost hear the strains of the Crimson-and-Gold fiddles taking part in in Denver’s Camp…
Wednesday, the Eighth Day of November, within the 12 months of our Lord, 2023.
My Dearest Wife:
I’m grateful to the Lord above for offering me this quill and paper with which to report back to you, my beloved bride of lengthy forbearance, that it has been 4 days for the reason that smoke of battle has lifted from the November weekend scrap for the Gold Pan trophy. As you’ll learn, the information is gratifying…
Divine Providence has smiled on General David Carle’s band of young Pioneers as soon as once more! As the Gold Pan victors for 2023, Denver might be retaining that very important miners’ implement in our Denver Camp for one more 12 months, as so ordained by the Lord above and by nature. Yes, as soon as once more, our Pioneers have swept these pestilent Kittens of Colorado College some seventy miles again to their lowly camp on the foot of Ole’ Zebulon Pike’s Peak, the place they might as soon as once more lick their ragged, defeated paws of their ever-eternal state of doubtful ignominy.
Perhaps you had heard that one of many Kittens had boldly predicted a 2023 Gold Pan victory some weeks in the past of their little rag of a campus fishwrap, however our Denver boys received wind of their slanderous and misguided boast and, with a lone iron nail, had tacked it to a central put up in our camp so one and all may take a gander at such a bellicose problem! Needless to say, our Crimson boys turned ever extra emboldened to lash the Kitties’ hopes round their collective necks, and to squeeze them to a gasping demise for his or her impetuous temerity…
Last Friday, a document of over 7,000 gathering of the Denver Camp’s most interesting supporters, together with many little kids from our most interesting college, turned out to cheer our boys at Magness Creek. Shockingly, there was no brass band to supply musical inspiration, but all have been resplendent of their greatest Denver finery. I noticed them consuming many flagons of malted drinks to reinforce their gregarious demeanor for your complete engagement. Our Pioneer boys took good discover of such fervency of assist and opened their hearts to the din of the scholars’ ribald little ditties (not on your delicate ears, my dearest) that their fellow college students did vocalize with such vim and vigor that we surmised earlier than lengthy that our expert and disciplined Pioneers would win at the present time.
Despite being surprised within the early moments of Friday’s battle by the odious and marauding duo of Kittens referred to as Werner and Veremyev, and their small band of scabrous, malevolent felines, our Denver boys responded nobly and promptly with the satisfaction that resides deep of their Crimson breast and by trusting the ‘proscess’ [sic] that their understanding commanders and lieutenants had labored so assiduously to imbue. During the remaining battle, our Crimson lads made a number of forays into the Kittens’ defensive traces, firing six monumental and unanswered salvos into the guts of General Kris Mayotte’s Kitty Cats, who cowered on the unequalled show of highly effective and exact magnificence unleashed by the Pioneers.
All credit score is because of the speedy and incisive advances of Denver’s Buium, Broz, and Brown’s battalions, adopted by King, Devine and Wright to inflict a spirited and overwhelming artillery barrage that reduce down the opponent’s black and yellow traces many times, as Denver pounded the Kittens’ positions within the offensive zone with relentless efficacy. The regular waves of Denver scoring quickly discovered the shell-shocked General Mayotte and his Kittens so deep within the throes of melancholia as they’d no alternative however to endure the brutal flogging that our Pioneers bestowed upon them. As a stirring refrain of “Country Roads” sounded within the closing moments at Magness Creek, our boys appeared as much as the magisterial vista of their fellow Denver students, their arms locked collectively and swaying, row by row in daring music, with all eyes misty on the sight of our collective victory, as is yearly ordained by our Creator.
And then the gracious good evening enfolded our lads, whereas the devastated Kittens beat a hasty retreat to their grim and odiferous lair to the south. Our Denver quartermasters then fortified our Pioneer forces’ courageous bellies with bountiful Chipotle, and our boys have been in a position to comfortably mattress down for the evening to revive their highly effective legs and courageous hearts in preparation for the 75-mile march southward to complete off what little remained of the haggard Kittens.
In the shadow of Ole’ Zebulon Pike’s Peak, within the second (and decisive) engagement on Saturday, the battle unfolded simply as the primary, with our Pioneer boys needing solely 5 salvos to smash the terrified remnants of the Kittens into oblivion, surrounded solely by their once-feeble hopes burned now to nothing however ashes on their very personal campus. The Saturday engagement was made nonetheless sweeter on the sight of the everlasting unhappiness of the Kittens’ 3,500 dispirited supporters at Robson’s Mill, who might drink solely their tears of futility to accompany what little possum meat they may nook.
With the Gold Pan now resting securely in security within the Denver camp, now our boys should relaxation for this week’s lengthy march to the Southwest. There on the banks of the Salt River in Arizona Territory, the place the Pioneers count on to fulfill the decided upstart Arizona Staters, underneath General Gregory Powers at Mullett’s Crossing. I have to say, as an growing old normal (of the sort recognized to hold forth from his well-upholstered armchair) who has witnessed a mess of Denver battles over many years, it’s at all times daunting and worrisome to struggle within the desert, the place the comforts of home are so distant. Heaven grant this be one other alternative to point out our Denver mettle and assert our rightful Pioneer dominance within the West, underneath General David Carle’s high-quality management. Huzzah!
I stay yours, with ever-loving fondness and affection, your obedient servant,
— Gen. Winfield Parnassus (“Puck”) Swami
Puck Swami is a longtime Denver fan and alumnus. He shares his views periodically right here at LetsGoDU
