Me: Boots, wish to hear a cool story that includes a happy ending?
Boots: Double D, I am constantly down for a good yarn, however you and I both understand you have a flair for over- appealing and these so-called good stories have, will we state, a history of having a tranquilizing impact on me. But let me see what you got.
Me: You understand I belong to the Robeson County Humane Society board, right?
Boots: Yep, they asked you to join as a clever way of taking advantage of my popularity, and parlay that into more successful fund-raising campaigns. Kind of a misdirection play by the board members. But go on.
Me: So, you do not think I was asked to take advantage of my 24 years as editor of this newspaper, and to give the humane society an as-needed voice through this column?
Boots: Nope, quite sure it was to tap into my immense popularity. But I am willing to stipulate your delusion if it will advance this conversation to a merciful ending. I need to do some surveillance work in The Jungle, find some chow for the feral cats you have allowed into my kingdom.
Me: Well, anyway, on Monday I got a text message saying that the society’s no-kill animal shelter was completely out of dog food.
Boots: Hahaha. I have to say, that is a delightful story. Thanks for sharing. I think I will grab a quick 10-hour nap. I am imagining some sweet dreams.
Me: There is more to the story, Boots.
Boots. Oh, sorry, I thought that was the happy ending.
Me: Nope. That is just the prologue.
Boots: I am feeling sleepy time coming on. Can we fast forward this a bit? I understand I got nine lives, but I hate to burn one up on such banality.
Me: So, society members were tasked with trying to get some donated dog food. I and several more board members went on social media and encouraged donations. To make a long story short ….,
Boots: … Too late for that.
Me: As of Thursday afternoon, we had received 4,909 pounds of dog food. That is the equivalent of more than 245 20-pound bags. Your Aunt Margaret even wired me some money to buy some dog food.
Boots: I am a little disappointed in Aunt Margaret.
Me: Why?
Boots: I am just kidding. That was nice. You understand that my relationship with dogs is a bit complicated. To be clear, I do not want any animal to suffer, that is why I make my kills quick and as painless as possible. But dogs are such dumb creatures. I mean, if you call one by its name, it will actually come. They do not clean up after themselves either. If you do not feed them, they starve.
Me: There is more.
Boots: I was afraid there would be. Is this the part of the story where you take credit for the outpouring of support?
Me: Nope. When Margaret wired me the money, I reached out to the shelter’s director to make sure that dog food was still needed, and she told me no, that what the shelter needed now was more cat food and cat litter.
Boots: Oh no, there goes the happy ending.
Me: I figured I would use today’s column as a method to express appreciation to all those who donated, as well as to make them aware of the new need at the shelter, which is for cat food and cat litter.
Boots: And there it is. You want me to encourage your dozen or so readers to buy some cat food or cat litter and carry it to the shelter, which is at 3180 W. Fifth Street.
Me: If you would be so kind.
Boots: Consider it done. OK folks, need some cat food and litter delivered to the shelter. Tell them Boots sent you.
Me: Thanks.
Boots: Are you still clinging to your story about the reason the gentle society connected to you to be a board member?
