PORTLAND, OR—Closing out an extremely prepared for series of lectures, talks, and panels on the subject of hallucinogenic drugs in modern society, the Portland Psychedelic Science Conference’s keynote address was provided Wednesday by a bird that might check out everybody’s ideas, according to witnesses. “Every line of the keynote that bird implanted into my brain was so inspiring and enlightening—I’ve never experienced anything like it,” conference guest and psychedelic lover Freddie Thomas said of the headlining rainbowlike magpie, who concluded almost a week of scholastic discourse on compounds such as peyote, LSD, psilocybin, and more by vibrating the spiritual energy of deep space to provide an effective speech that incorporated all of humankind’s ideas—previous, present, and future. “It was like it knew what I was thinking before I did, and then it made me think it. But it sounded like my own voice. It was telling me its bird-words without a sound, and when I looked around, I, too, could read everyone’s minds, and they were all experiencing the same thing. At one point, the bird grew really big and laid a cosmic egg that radiated pure positivity and love. We might’ve had the opportunity to address all that during the Q and A, but before we could, the egg hatched into a hundred blue tongues that licked us as we giggled. It was way better than yesterday’s panel, when the neon dolphin got locked into a pedantic debate about clinical trials with a sliver of the moon.” At press time, Thomas had actually revealed enjoyment after a drawer in the middle of the magpie’s stubborn belly opened to reveal a voucher for complimentary breakfast at the downtown Hyatt where the conference was held.
