I’ve determined to compose a comedy of manners/courtroom thriller about our topsy-turvy instances. My working title: The Drowsy Rapist. Perhaps The Chilly Rapist. The Drowsy, Chil- no, that’s an excessive amount of.
ANYWAY, there’s this rapist, who commits bunches and bunches of crimes on high of the rape, together with an honest-to-goodness tried coup, and this fool dying cult that thinks the rapist must be President.
It’s a REALLY cool cult, you most likely can’t get in. Gosh, how can any of us take a look at the lifetime of dignity and universal respect Bill Barr leads with out seething with envy? Getting publicly humiliated by a rapist recreation present host seems to be so, so rad, and I simply want SO HARD that I used to be you, Bill.
So the rapist is on trial, for a couple of of the handfuls of crimes he’s dedicated, and he keeps nodding off throughout the trial and allegedly farting in his sleep though rumors of actual pants-shitting are lies planted by the Clinton Foundation operatives who killed Seth Rich.
It’s definitely not laborious to know why this explicit rapist evokes such fervent devotion.
He is being air conditioned for our sins, you understand. And are the unflattering courtroom sketches depicting a dozing, unnaturally hued old fop not a modern-day crucifixion?
All he does anymore is go to sleep (however positively not shit himself) and complain about being cold, whereas down the highway, the Supreme Freakin’ Court ponders granting him absolute criminal immunity, or on the very least delivering a large in-kind contribution to his flailing marketing campaign, within the type of a desperately needed delay of one in every of his different legal trials.
How many crimes does this one, particular rapist get to commit? I’m keen to compromise. Tell you what, we’ll do a punch card system. Every ten felonies, you get a free one. Considering he’s dealing with precisely 88 counts (for now) that works out somewhat tidily.
It’s fuckin’ wild, watching the rapist’s strip mall attorneys argue he has the authorized proper to not solely overthrow the federal government, however to assassinate anybody who doesn’t like it.
This rapist who can not stay awake.
We should grant him these powers for the restored Reich to come, you perceive. He has big plans for that energy, and lots of of these plans are *technically* legal. Sure, he’s misplaced a step, however he’s nonetheless acquired a coupla rapes left in him.
As you’d think about, MAGA Nation is dealing with all this rather poorly, although I discover myself uncharacteristically sympathetic. You’ve spent the higher a part of the final decade worshipping a turd, and now the turd is melting in the harsh light of day,and naturally it’s embarrassing. Shouldn’t’ve worshipped that turd within the first place, although. That’s on you.
Jesse Watters virtually begged viewers to see not the impotent flopping of a deflated, declining narcissist, however King Kong in a cage. Sure, and he’s a “style icon,” too. He’s strong and he’s smart and he never said to drink bleach just inject disinfectant and anybody who says in any other case is a dirty libtard commie sheeple.
…and but each time I take a look at my cellphone, he’s both asleep, or waving physical printouts of Fox News stories, complaining about the temperature in the courtroom. Can anyone please get the God Emperor a blanket?
At least no person appears significantly fascinated by rioting on the doddering old coot’s behalf nowadays. That’s downright encouraging. Perhaps they’re deterred by all of the seditious conspiracy convictions. Perhaps they’re too mortified to point out their faces in public. I definitely could be.
He’s attempting so desperately to conjure one other riot, too, (when he’s awake, that’s) whimsically evoking Charlottesville,insisting there’s an adoring throng, just off camera, clamoring for his launch, bear-spraying the odd legislation enforcement officer.
Not so powerful with out yer lynch mob, are ya, Donnie? Whole lot extra of us turning out to vote for Nikki Haley in your major, actually, than to protest on your unhappy, sloppy self anymore.
Should the American citizens show sufficiently brain-broke this November, Junior n’ Eric are to function “loyalty czars” throughout the transition again to kakistocracy. Executive department staffing overseen by Beavis and Butt-Head in jodhpurs…properly, we’d deserve it.
So I assume Kristi Noem murdered a puppy.
That’s what she says in her e book, anyway. Some speculate this can be a ploy to realize favor with the famously dog-despising Drowsy Rapist, within the authoritarian groveling Olympics some name th’veepstakes. Not the worst technique, truthfully. No doubt Byron Donalds can be crushing hamsters on Newsmax by Thursday.
Any historical past textbooks that don’t dedicate not less than half a web page to the Kristi Noem Executed a Puppy news cycle would fail this nation’s valuable kids. People want to know how bizarre and gross and silly every part was.
The Consequences Fairy doesn’t want the map app to search out Rudy Giuliani’s home anymore, y’know? Rudy earned a fresh set of indictments, alongside a number of of the standard suspects, plus a couple of new faces, for his position within the Arizona chapter of the pretend elector scheme.
Gosh, they positive do commit quite a lot of crimes, don’t they? These would-be greatness restorers?
For instance, right here’s a headline studying “Kevin McCarthy Protege Under Investigation For Sexually Assaulting Daughter.”How unusual that so many (alleged) sex criminals discover themselves drawn to this rapist-led resentment cult!
Speaking of Matt Gaetz, he appears to’ve fallen off a couple of colleagues’ Xmas card lists. Tony Gonzalez referred to as him a “real scumbag” (Geppetto checkmark) who “paid minors to have intercourse,” (depends who ya ask) incomes the enmity of the feral Freedumb Caucus, who have been already pissy over letting down their genocidal buddy, Vlad.
The Ukraine debate appears to’ve lastly compelled House Republicans to ask themselves, how do you solve a problem like Marjorie Taylor Greene? Easy. A FUCKING STRAIGHTJACKET. Dems did their half after they stripped her of her committee assignments; you gave ‘em back. You are dangerous at making choices, and that isn’t our fault.
I do take pleasure in watching the Putin wing of the GOP fail, even when it means being nice(r) to Mike Johnson for a week. I due to this fact proclaim thee…Marginally Superior to Kevin McCarthy! Some hurdles are low sufficient for even you, Mike, congratulations. Why, I wager none of your protégés commit incestuous sexual assault.
Riding a wave of Not Fucking Up For Once, Speaker Moses determined to insert himself into the white-hot heart of the campus protest problem, which went super well, he made lots of new friends.
Predictably, all of the wannabe autocrats’re clawing and biting for a nook of the highlight, competing to be seen calling for the violent suppression of speech. You all the time get grade A ghoulishness outta Cotton and Hawley throughout instances of civil unrest, however I think about it’s Greg Abbott who gained probably the most within the eyes of the discerning proto-fascist, as a result of speeches n’ op-eds are all properly and good, however they can not maintain a candle to footage of uniformed officers beating up people you hate.
Melania has appointed herself Duchess of LGBTQ outreach for her sleep-farting rapist husband’s bid to regain energy. Gotta fill the time someway, I suppose.
Wanna hear one thing humorous?
Jimmy Comer wants to run for Governor.
Heh. Hah. Hahahahahahahahhhhhhhhhh
Like, there’s kakistocracy and there’s KAKISTOCRACY, y’know? I can’t recollect a single James Comer story since he grew to become a nationwide determine underneath McCarthy (impressed leaderin’ there, Kev!) the place he failed to return off like a drooling, overmatched bumpkin. And after a yr and a half of punching himself in the dick on C-SPAN, he expects voters again home to place him answerable for the entire dang STATE.
And y’know what? They simply may. MAGA voters make dangerous decisions, nowhere extra so than within the voting sales space. Governor Comer? Why the fuck not? Future generations may surprise how, exactly, Kentucky managed to interrupt free from the continental United States and fling itself into the solar, however we who lived by means of it is going to merely shrug and say, “that’s just what red state voters wanted back then.”
Like, Louisiana Republicans superior a invoice that might “repeal a law that requires employers to provide a 30-minute meal break for minors who work at least five hours.” That’s what the GOP is for now. Rolling again little one labor legal guidelines, and no matter that one rapist needs. The rapist that’s sleeping (and allegedly farting however completely positively not shitting himself) by means of his porn star hush money trial.
Tom Petty-defiling RNC Co-Chair Lara Trump introduced plans to dispatch ballot employees to illegally “physically handle ballots” in all 81 states, so possibly no matter’s unsuitable with Eric is transmitted sexually?
Let’s verify in on our freshly hatched Republican Senate candidates actual fast. Wow, let nobody declare Tim Sheehy is taking the anti-Semitic vote as a right. Eric Hovde might study a factor or two from Tim, maybe even the Pledge of Allegiance.
If you hate your personal mind and wish it to die screaming, you may all the time watch Tucker Carlson reject the theory of evolution on Joe Rogan’s podcast, I assume. Didja see Mitch McConnell pick a fight with Tucker, throughout the Ukraine support debate? I confess I felt a transgressive little thrill, backing Yertle for as soon as. Go GIT ‘im, Mitch! Fuck him proper up!
If you’ll permit consecutive optimistic paragraphs about Republican Senators, let me say I sincerely hope marketing campaign season provides up a gentle stream of drolly withering Mitt Romney put-downs.
Especially because the George Santos comeback tour has, heartbreakingly, been called off. They have been negotiating with J.R. Majewski about approaching because the opening act, too.
What occurred was, a bunch of sponsors needed to pull out. The NRA. Project Veritas. Why, even Jim Hoft’s Th’Gateway Dipshit has declared chapter. It’s laborious instances on the market within the wingnut griftosphere. Everybody misplaced their shirt on Trump Bucks and NFTs and Trump Media inventory and truthfully how do any of those folks have money left to feed themselves at this level?
Anyway, I’ve acquired some puppies to exec-I MEAN BEER TO DRINK. If you loved the put up, you might be welcome to go away a couple of dollars within the tip jar, I spend all of the money on bullets to shoot puppies wit-I MEAN BEER. The puppy bullet jar takes Cash App, PayPal, and Ven-I MEAN THE BEER JAR TAKES CASH APP, PAYPAL AND VENMO!
Or you may observe @john_luzar over on Elon’s Shattered Plaything, or join on the e-mail listing at showercapblog.com in the event you really feel so inclined. Until we meet once more, keep protected on the market, particularly in case you are a really young canine in South Dakota.
