Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v The Dosy Dandies

“Ange Postecoglou didn’t deny connections with the Leeds vacancy in words I recognise as absolute denial. Therefore Ange Postecoglou is disloyal to the Celtic support and seeking to leave.”

“I also self-admittedly idolised Gazza and simped around Ibrox hoping to snaffle a used jockstrap of his.”

– The Keith Jackson Logic issue; unum verum generat alterum, ‘Keef’.

ROXIE – 6.5/10 – ‘Screw it, I’m going backie-inner’. And so Big Joe repeats youth park kickaboots by choosing not to utilize his hands all second-half; ‘heiders and fancies only’. Teed-up Great War veteran Jonny ‘Quantum leap’ Hayes for a complimentary pop, then did remarkably to counter the Star Lord effort to lob him, fitting in briefly at centre-half; for about a minute or more as the arena gritted teeth and the especially distressed attacked the executive lounges looking for sofas to conceal behind.

GREGGS THE BAKER – 6.5/10 – An industrious and involved 90, more thankless jobs than imaginative openings, however crucial in smothering their revival down his flank after the break. Expect him to be Travis Bickle in the mirror all week as he prepares to rile the FatBoy at Hampden.

STAR LORD – 6/10 – ‘You are Beckham!’ shrieked the racoon through the constant, blurring rainfall. And as his vision glazed over, yes… Yes, he was, and the keeper was out and he was squinting at the dropping ball on the midway and…Glory… Glory beckoned… Beckhamed?…And…The fu..? Too late. ‘It was a joke…A joke,..’ groaned the rodent, head in hands, as Carl lofted the ball goal-wards; Wrong objectives. But in timeless Star Lord-ery he didn’t rather get the connection and Joe was up for a laugh anyhow, so the clanger didn’t clang and all of us laughed nervously as the Hoops carried out a Keystone Cops homage and Johnny Hayes remembered the time he headed out on the lash with Buster Keaton. Around the train-soaked minute of insanity, Star lord was effectively accurate. Just remain that method next week. All video game.

GET CARTER – 7/10 – American fights Eastern European, and wins. An olden tale played out as CCV tanked their rangy Iron Curtain striker in a tussle that looked like the Two Tribes video by Frankie GTH. Then he was cast in a remake of Howard The Duk, rumbling in the jungle with Jota’s old modern. Merciless physicality from the huge mhan had him 2 for 2 and looking for a bout with a chubby Colombian hamster-sniffer for his next cage-fight.

WAYNE GRETZKY – 7/10 – Slippy conditions imply absolutely nothing to a skilled hockey veterinarian. And Wayne appeared produced this, providing us his popular 100% effort and assistance however likewise making every ball count – wicked shipments deserving much better results. Fine video game.

CALMAC – 7/10 – I’ll lead, you follow, BANG! Last minute or very first minute – he’ll discover the sweet area and demoralise the sheep. The tone was set by the skipper and preserved for the whole first-half savaging that won the points. Consistence beat resistance.

THE CONTRACTOR – 6/10 – He moves like a fairy in a summertime meadow. Or, in Glesgae speak, an abandoned greyhound running around an addict’s garden. Lovely motion and insight had him surgically getting rid of much of the Aberdeen will to reside in the opening half hour, and was unfortunate not to score himself. Faded later on prior to being connected however the indications are there for a spring healing of leading form.

HAKUNA HATATE – 8.5/10 MOTM – “Reo, Reo Hatate, Scores 2 goals every Saturday.” And Sundays too, we hope. I hear Michael Flatley’s knowing Japanese so he can take footwork pointers off the Eastern Iniesta. Little can be included about his contribution, just to appreciate the focus and endeavour that brought him those 2 superb objectives. Asked Ange a couple of weeks ago about how he might enhance his video game; was informed last 3rd, more skill and ending up. Bam, there ye go.

LORD KATSUMOTO – 7/10 – I’ve required to make revving sounds each time he gets on the ball like when a kid has fun with a toy car; You get some amusing appearances however it entertains me no end. And I question if Daizen does that in his own heid, since if you shut your eyes when F1’s on the telly you anticipate to open them to see Daizen ripping up Brands Hatch. The unbookable Dons had a torrid time with him in spite of attempting to counter by dropping off and deep to get ahead of his runs. Nicely subbed to save him for a Hampden holler. Fingers crossed the trigger-happy Pentagon hawks don’t send out an F22 to shoot him down in advance as he blips throughout their radars in training.

OH BHOY – 6/10 – Bet you didn’t believe you’d spend a rainy beginning launching grifting versus a lot of stoical northmen trying to treat you like a sheep in underwear. But if this unsuccessful grind by the Bhoy Oh revealed us anything, it’s that he’s not scared to graft and ready to handle the tough shift to take some openings.

NOTE PAD – 6.5/10 – Club Tropicana it wasn’t. Club Tropical Downpour, more like. But Jota’s utilized to the rain now and even has a dance for it. As anticipated, he’s more popular in video games as the winter season reduces and enjoyment develops towards the glamour surfaces. Jigged his method into some informing positions today and ought to have scored; not an issue for this bhoy since the phase is set for his skill Sunday next. Expecting the old hits to be presented…

SUBS –

KILLER MUSHROOM – N/A – Surprised? Nervous? Watching his shoulder intently? No grace from Big Ange as Kyogo was punted into the mix, and had a laugh, battling a huge glakit farmer who was looking for sumo lessons.

TONIO IWATAO – 6/10 – ‘I’m not as good as Calmac,’ he confessed recently. Okay, modest’s fine, however let’s see what impersonating a Japanese holding midfielder draws out in the shrewd Barca skelper. We got strong cleanliness and a comfy sensation he’s fitting into the system simply great as he easily shuttled the ball about like he was Calmac after all.

ABADASS – 6.5/10 – Surprised #2? Do we have another hibernator awakening simply in time for some succulent skelping? He’s toiled in recent cameos, falling about like Lee Evans on acid, but the twirling kinetic limbs were rall in synch today and he appeared intent on making a point even before he swiped in a great finish with his wrong foot. Borna Barisic left the country half an hour ago.

JAMESY – N/A – Wahey, Jamesy’s back ladies. Spring’s definitely in the air when the Prestwick Pele romps on with his shorts tucked up to his baws and treats us to some deft shimmies and cheeky flicks. Run for the hills, glass collectors everywhere.

HACKY SACK – 6/10 – Interesting – looked a man in the mood. I reckon there’s a well of untapped potential in those boots and that’s hardly a Hawking deduction given what we saw back in the autumn in the CL, and winning stubborn matches like the Ross Coonty scrap. Form and attitude returning at the right time? Let’s hope; Exciting prospects.

ANITA DOBSON – 7.5/10 – The Ange show rolls on. The anguished SMSM dig deep in the dark archives
for some kind of archaic weapons to dent the psyche of their nemesis. but he’s got their number. There’s hardly a hint of testosterone in the faltering simp voices that attempt to steer him towards conflict with scuttling Zombies like Narco Davey or Trotters Independent Trading James Hunt across the city, who you know is just itching to noise him up with some racist slurs before the clash next week. Good luck cracking the big Aussie, ya tragic fhannies. Here, the incredible consistency of Angeball rolled through the domestic dreich once more; a system needing only the required, schoold components which we have in droves, it seems. Twelve to go, Ange. Eight wins should do it. Tick-tock, Zombies.

MIBBERY – 4/10 – I shalt not book a Shinnie. The Gollum mantra. Petty, scowling, exasperated – a great example of the crisis in Scottish reffing this season; crippling depression as the Bhoys roll over their grief, relentlessly. Nectar.

OVERALL – 8/10 – No dead cat bounce from the Dandies. No Barry Robson-inspired freak result. No quarter given by a Celtic side with the scent of silver in their nostrils who spring at you from the first whistle like men on a mission; men possessed, actually; with winning. In style. There was a good, galvanising feel to the game, like every match now is a cup final. Which is true of the next contest as we look to retain the Mickey Mouse Cup against Goofy and his saucy chipmunks. And there’s a real good chance that after warming up against the sheep, the Hoops will be well prepared to exterminate another horde of rabid animals. All good, on we roll with it…

Dedicated to:

THE Raquel – The world is an uglier place now, and dinosaurs are safer. Goodbye, beautiful one, RIP. And may your fur bikini live forever in the hearts of guys.

Go Away Now

Sandman